I thought I was doing well for months, work was going well, my relationship was blooming again. But then I went for a medication review and was signed off from work again.
I am due back to work next week, I thought I was ready, but I am not okay. It has taken me a long time to say this, I have been in denial, going through days numb and not feeling everything, and thinking that I was ok and stable. My partner and I were starting to fight a lot more, we had lost our intimacy and our fun. We were distant and were walking on egg shells with each other. I didn’t know that this was happening, I didn’t know the affect that I was having on my partner and how it was breaking him.
It took today when we were out, and a switch flicked in me and I was angry, like furious, seeing red and I was saying and doing things that was hurting my family and my partner. I didn’t know who I was, what I was doing. We both went home and we continued to fight. We both went silent and both went into different rooms, I calmed down and went upstairs to talk about this and I messaged my family and sorted things out and it wasn’t until I was talking that I saw the damage that I was doing to my partner. It broke my heart because he doesn’t deserve this, in fact he deserves a million times better and more. This is when I knew I wasn’t ok, and I need more support and help. This isn’t normal behaviour and there is something mentally wrong with me.
So whilst I am in a good mood I will be making appointments tomorrow morning (Monday) and getting the ball rolling for a diagnosis. I need to get some help because I am not ok and it is acceptable to say when you are not ok.
I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok.
But I will be.
P.S the photo isn’t relevant, but it is super cute.