I am not okay.

I thought I was doing well for months, work was going well, my relationship was blooming again. But then I went for a medication review and was signed off from work again.

I am due back to work next week, I thought I was ready, but I am not okay. It has taken me a long time to say this, I have been in denial, going through days numb and not feeling everything, and thinking that I was ok and stable. My partner and I were starting to fight a lot more, we had lost our intimacy and our fun. We were distant and were walking on egg shells with each other. I didn’t know that this was happening, I didn’t know the affect that I was having on my partner and how it was breaking him.

It took today when we were out, and a switch flicked in me and I was angry, like furious, seeing red and I was saying and doing things that was hurting my family and my partner. I didn’t know who I was, what I was doing. We both went home and we continued to fight. We both went silent and both went into different rooms, I calmed down and went upstairs to talk about this and I messaged my family and sorted things out and it wasn’t until I was talking that I saw the damage that I was doing to my partner. It broke my heart because he doesn’t deserve this, in fact he deserves a million times better and more. This is when I knew I wasn’t ok, and I need more support and help. This isn’t normal behaviour and there is something mentally wrong with me.

So whilst I am in a good mood I will be making appointments tomorrow morning (Monday) and getting the ball rolling for a diagnosis. I need to get some help because I am not ok and it is acceptable to say when you are not ok.

I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok.

 

But I will be.

 

P.S the photo isn’t relevant, but it is super cute.

 

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I lied…

I know that I said that I would upload a new post last night, I don’t even have an excuse for you, I binged watched stupid youtube videos and then went to sleep. I’m not even sorry.

I know that it has been a while since I last posted but I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and I just wanted to take a break from my social media, during that time I had overcome things that I have been dealing with, I am proud of myself for this.

Then work happened, and the stresses that come along with that, and arguments and further depression. Long nights and days, I wasn’t sleeping but I thought that enough is enough. I went to the doctors about this.

If you saw my instagram from yesterday but I have new medication. One is an anti-depressant that you take at night and the other is a sleeping tablet. I have to take the anti-depressant last night as that takes a few weeks to normalise my emotions and to get into my system. This tablet also slows you down and makes you drowsy, hence why I only take it at night and this will help me sleep, and the other one, I take this as of when I need it – meaning that when I am having a bad night with over thinking then I take this and it will induce my sleep.

As I only started last night I can’t tell you much about them, but I can tell you this; the doctor was fucking right when she said it causes nausea. Like I have barely eaten a thing all day because of it. At least I may shed some lbs whilst I am at it, right?

Anyway, that enough of me talking shit.

 

Peace

xox

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13 reasons why

Hey!

I have bene super busy recently with helping my partner with his business and with housework and dog walking that I have neglected my blog! I know, shameful. But recently I had an anniversary and that was the hardest day I have had. It was the death of my ex-boyfriend, it has been 5 years now, but it still hurts so bad.

I have recently finished watching 13 Reasons Why, and after that ended I was sobbing. Not just like a few tears but full on where there is no sound and your head is hurting and you feel like you can’t breathe and your face is wet from all your tears. It made me fall even more in love with the show. I know that some people hate the show because they see it as “glorifying suicide” but to me it isn’t. yes some parts were extremely graphic and triggering but it shocked me, and my partner who watched it with me, it made us BOTH more aware of how our actions or words can make people feel.

The show has brought so much to light when it comes to teenagers and high school. All the little things that people do to others that they feel is just a little joke, may not be to some people. it has brought up bullying, suicide awareness and most of all realisation to the people that do treat others like this. It is serious, it needs to be stopped.

This makes me want to do more for mental health. So I will be writing more and making more things to sell so all proceedings go to charities.

 

But I need your help to do this! I need artists/illustrators!

 

We can all do this.

Together.

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It’s been a long time

I know, I know.

 

It has been such a long time since I have wrote on here. I feel bad, I really do. But everything has just been so busy and time consuming recently that it has slipped my mind. I can’t believe it has either. I need to continue to write on here and make it more regular.

There is a few things that I wanted to tell you all about, but firstly, the biggest. I have gone part time at my current workplace. Doing full time was draining me both physically and mentally. I just couldn’t do it and that is when Roger turned around and said that I need to because the way I was going was not healthy. I have put on a lot of weight, lost motivation and started to take everything out on Roger. It wasn’t fair. So I done it, and it was the first week of my part time hours. It has been great. I have done things that make me happy and spend it with my friends. I feel so much better about myself.

I can’t quite explain the feeling that I have about this in all honesty, there is a new sense of freedom about it. Not because I am not in work as much but the freedom from emotions. Such as stress. I felt trapped for a long time with my emotions, like my own prison within myself and since having more time to do things for myself I have found that I have broken free from the prison and I have a new outlook on life.

I had goals and visions of how I wanted my life to look but I never saw myself achieving the steps I needed for such goal. But now, I do, I can see a happier and healthier life style for myself. I can do whatever I wish with my time now and not have to worry about the repercussions of having to go to work. I have new energy now where as before I was always in bed super early and I found myself to be exhausted all the time and only wanting to sleep. But now, I feel like I can stay up later and still get up the same time and I can be more than who I am right now.

I can also tell you that I will be making more enamel pins to produce and sell. But I need some inspiration in doing so. I ant to do collaborations with artists and help them. I want to build my business more.

I can be more,

I will be more.

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MIND fundraising! 

Today was a big day in the office! Me and some colleagues wanted to raise awareness for Mental Health and I was more than happy to get my hands stuck in! 

I have organised a cake sale for the fundraising and I also had a rep from the charity to come down and speak to people! 

The day weeny really well and it was very positive and definitely helped the atmosphere within the work place. I have also spoken to the rep and I will be doing even more for the charity with the upcoming weeks.

I will continue my blog and update you all as I get updates via my instagram page. 

Today has made me realise just how far I have come within months! Even though I do not have my therapy sessions come through yet (that will be soon!) I am more confident and happy within myself. I am now in a place where I have been helping people that are not in a good place and helping them come along to feel happy within themselves. 

I think the more I can help people even if it is just the one then the better! No one deserves to suffer alone or suffer at all. The more help that is out there than the better! 
We can do this, 

We WILL do this. 

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PMA

With going to Berlin and having my partners best friends down, I have realised that I am ALWAYS negative.

If things did not happen when he said it would, I would panic and automatically assume the worst scenario. No matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing. I have realised this HAS to change.

It’s getting horrendous! When I am at work I will think that everyone was working against me, I would Hide away and just be a shell of the person I am. This can’t carry on, I am making myself super unwell physically. 

I need a PMA,

Positive 

Mental

Attitude
So today I have been working on that and I haven’t thought of anything negatively. It has been a very typical Saturday, seeing friends and my family. Spending time with my adorable niece. 
We can do this.

All of us.

 Together.

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The past week

This past week as been a rollercoaster. Between work and my personal life I feel like I haven’t been able to catch a break.

Work was difficult because there is 3 people there that I consider as my ‘safety net’ they all know me,my triggers and understand what I am going through. All three were off for the majority of the week. I tried my hardest and didn’t have an episode all week until Thursday, that day came and I was exhausted, grouchy and fed up. My anxiety and depression was at an all time high and I just couldn’t do it. I had to speak to an unknown manager at work and breifly explain what was happening so I had someone there for me. After that, it got better, I took action into my own hands and despite being turned down for a job opportunity I was still in high spirits. 

But when it came to my personal time, it was just one thing after another. Arguments with family and loved ones. As well as a group that I am a member of on Facebook (I will not mention their name) but it was a small closed group for women and we all knew each other and supported each other. For the duration of my sick leave they were there when my partner was at work and they were a big part of my recovery. 

I had to leave that group this week, it got too big and I didn’t feel safe or supported anymore. I then found out that someone that both me and my partner are trying to distance ourselves from for personal reasons was on there reading everything I posted. So that was another reason I had to leave. The one thing that triggered my departure was when I posted a picture of my enamel pins that I am selling to fundraise for my local mental health charity, and instead of constructive feedbac, I was targeted and people kept messaging me on Facebook and it got futile. I blocked and deleted them as well as removing myself from the group.

After that I felt isolated, I felt like I couldn’t speak to anybody any longer and I no longer had that supportive group there. I know that I can talk to my partner and a few close friends but yet, I still felt alone. I was in a black depressive hole that sucks you Ina me near on impossible to get out.

My partner recognised this and planned a very busy weekend for us (which is why I was unable to post anything). I’m glad he done that hut now that it is monday, I am exhausted. Can barely keep my eyes open and my safety net at work is not here again. I can’t blame them and I can’t keep relying on them but if I don’t, I can’t help but feel isolated and alone.

I feel like I am getting no where with everything positive move I am trying to make.
I can do this.

I got this. 

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