2nd Day; Recovering.

I have been back at work now for 2 days. Two very long days. I was so nervous to get back into a bus let alone drive the bloody thing. I persevered because if you never jump back on the horse after a fall you never will. This isn’t just my livelihood, its everything else, the reward, the people, colleagues and the atmosphere within work that I loved.

I had driven my partners car before Tuesday but there is a huge difference between a bus and a car. When I sat in the driver’s seat of the bus, everything felt foreign and strange. I hadn’t forgotten how to drive it at all, but I was so anxious, and it showed. I was extra cautious and more hyper sensitive to everything that you get accustomed to over time. It was like I had just past my test and I was on my own to drive the bus again, but with more emotions.

It’s my second day back and I am ever so slightly more relaxed then I was at the beginning but since the accident everything has changed for me. I feel different and I am acting different. It sounds so stupid but it was a huge wake up call, because let’s face it, I could’ve died and that is the reality of the situation. I kept passing off people talking to me and messaging me saying I was lucky and it’s a miracle I was ok, but before now; it never felt like that. To me it was nothing significant or magical. I rolled my car and when the car stopped, I took my seatbelt off, grabbed my phone (because priorities right?) and climbed out the window as I couldn’t open my door.

I haven’t slept a full night since, I haven’t felt 100% healthy since, I haven’t been eating properly or taking care of myself. I have been having nightmares about the accident and what could have happened and the after math, or something completely different. I haven’t spoken about how this has affected my mentally to anymore, not even hinted it and that is not ok. I am started to become lethargic continuously, my body is fighting against itself and I have not been motivated for anything or anyone. I have been cancelling plans with friends and family and I have been throwing myself into a computer game to distract myself. The game, you ask? Is Sims 4 with the new DLC of Get Famous.

Don’t get me wrong, this does sound like I am either taking it very seriously or not enough; but reality is that I am still adjusting in so many ways I didn’t know would happen. I don’t know whether I am recovering or brushing it off and burying it (which is something I have a habit of doing).

As I am sitting here writing this, I am beside myself because this is minor compared to what others have dealt with or suffered. No body died, no body was injured, was all over in the matter of a few hours and I was at home again. Others don’t get any of that, but why do I feel so crappy about the whole thing?

I don’t have a car now, I can’t afford the increased premiums. I have lost my freedom, my confidence and self-respect. How do I recover from this? Everything is a bag of mixed feelings.

Beach trips & car crashes

Monday 14^th January – the scariest day of my life to date.

 

It was a normal day, I slept in, got up and played some games, then headed to my mothers as we had plans to go to the beach. I didn’t feel like going, I wanted to stay at home with the dogs because I couldn’t take them as Beau still has her stitches from the operation. But, I left the house and drove to my mums anyway.

We had the best time at the beach, it was super fun and we laughed so much. We just kept walking along the stairs until it started to chuck it down. We got back to the car and we were drenched, so the with the heater on full we headed to mums.

I was so wet and cold that I said goodbye, I love you and she told me to text her when I got home safely. I got in my car, put my music on and made my way.

Before I knew what was happening, my eyes were closed and when I felt the car stop moving I opened them to find that I was in a field. My window wasn’t there, and my windscreen was smashed, my roof had collapsed. I couldn’t see my phone but I had plugged it in so I followed the wire, grabbed my phone, undone my seat belt and climbed out of my car through the broken window.

I was in shock, I knew I was, I looked at my broken car and screamed at the top of my voice, continued to scream for a few minutes before my brain kicked in. my first thought was pictures, for the insurance Roger, but he couldn’t answer his phone being at work so I called my mum as I have just left hers. She didn’t believe me, but she heard it in my voice and I hung up. I was shaking, covered in blood standing on the side of a field where some men were helping me.

Police came, fire brigade came then the air ambulance and paramedics. Then all I saw was my mum running towards me. It was all a little much as I was ok, I was walking and talking. I just about managed to get a hold of Roger and he said he was coming now.

I was then put into the ambulance and we then drove to a safer place as we were on the side of the road which was unsafe. Mum was in tow in her car. I got checked over and the police met me in the ambulance took my statement and they left. I was then discharged in the ambulance as I didn’t have any injuries that would require a hospital visit.

Mum drove me to hers, she showered me and put me in her pajamas. When Roger had finished with dealing with the recovery of my car, he came to mums then took me home. The next day I went to my Doctor to make sure I was ok as the shock had worn off. I had sprained my neck from whiplash. Right ankle sprained as well as both wrists. I was signed off work and prescribed pain medication.

Its been four days since the accident and I haven’t left the house yet. I am either in bed or on the sofa, I have gotten better just still a little sore. Roger has been great through this all, always right there, doing things and not moaning about anything.

I haven’t driven since, and it is playing on my mind. As the saying goes ‘gotta jump back on the horse’. But I have no car, no means of transport, anxiety is really working overtime on this one. I am not sure what I should be doing to help this or resolve this. I guess I will just have to bite the bullet (so to speak) and get behind the wheel of a vehicle soon.

Monday will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I am lucky to be alive. Images are below, please be warned these may graphic for some.

 

 

New Start and All That

So I thought by getting a new job and starting afresh would work for me. I wasn’t enjoying my last job mainly because of the people who worked along side of me and it was very much to do with ‘workplace politics’ bollocks. So I left, and got a new job. its exciting and fun!

I am still in training but I am loving every aspect of it and I can’t believe I didn’t start this sooner!

I started getting tired because of the extra early starts, the concentration and lack of eating as well as sleeping. I have been stressing over the exams I need to get the job and to qualify, I have fallen out with some of my good friends (or so I thought), family drama as well as the pay cut that comes with being trained.

I was sleeping, but it was broken sleep as I kept waking up throughout the night, because I was tired I was overeating for the energy. When I finished work I was always doing something, cleaning, rearranging the house, seeing family. At the weekends/days off I was again doing the same or going to see friends and family that live in different counties. I have not stopped, and it caught up with me a few weeks ago.

I had an anxiety attack at work during my lunch break. Over nothing, but to me it was everything. It absorbed me, and all my thoughts. I was no longer the Cat i was an hour ago, my stomach was knotting, my heart was racing, I was getting sweaty and hot, I was fidgeting, I was scratching the back of my hand and I could not stay in one place.

I went outside, I spoke to the supervisor and went outside for 5 minutes on my own, to gather my thoughts, calm myself down. I was trying to not let this consume my whole day. I concentrated on sitting still, my breathing mostly. Getting the deep breathes. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Steady deep breathes.

I had successfully calmed myself down and I was starting to relax more after a few minutes and thats when my supervisor came out, I told her everything about my Mental Health. Turns out that the company I now work for, support and assist people with invisible disabilities and Anxiety is one of them.

Since then I have put myself into therapy privately, and am due to start my session this coming Thursday.

I am so so far from where I was at the beginning, and I proud of that;. But I still have a long way to go and that is the uphill battle.

I can do this, I will do this.

Busy Busy Bee

I love my job. I love the routine and knowing how the day will pan out in terms of punctuation. I wanted to do more. You see these people on Instagram or other social network platforms, doing so much in just one day, so you feel like you can do this too, so you start doing more. You go to the gym before work in the early hours of the morning, you are more active during your lunch break and after you finish, you find yourself doing more and before you realise it its 11pm and you have to be up at the crack of dawn again.

You think this is ok, because of other people do it and manage so you power through, you see the changed in your body and how you feel and you feel good, you are in the best moods ever, your work is going great, your relationships are booming and you feel invincible. But then you have one bad day.

For most people will say having a bad day is OK and you need them as its normal and you will bounce back and you will be OK. But in reality that isn’t the case, because your bad day, turns into a bad week, then a bad month and you find yourself in a vicious cycle of self-loathing and lack of motivation so you SNAP.

Everything is falling apart. Your work is slipping, you are eating trash food again, you are withdrawing from your friends and family and you are fighting with your partner again. you spend your days in bed or the sofa, not getting dressed or showering, mindlessly watching movies or shows because you have no motivation for anything else. Days go by, then weeks before you finally look in the mirror and you are disgusted by who is looking back at you.

You get in the shower, you brush your teeth, get dressed, do your hair and make-up and you wonder how anyone can let themselves be so unclean. You feel good, you look good and you smell good. You are off to a good start. You run errands and see your friends and family but you have a nagging voice in your head telling you that they don’t like you as much anymore, they are thinking bad things about you and you leave to go home. But at home you are fighting more negative thoughts that are intruding, your partner comes to speak to you and you pick a fight with him because you think that he doesn’t love you anymore let alone like you or your company. You remember how you were prior to looking in the mirror, so you decide to go and get some air on your own. You find a beautiful quiet area to sit looking over the city and you sit there, for what feels like hours, thinking.

Thinking about who you are, your emotions, your mental health, who you want to be and your life. You then get energised and go back home to tell your partner about all the things you had thought about, but the nagging voice comes back saying that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you, so you put on the TV, find some snacks and watch the mindless shows again.

Days past.

Weeks past.

Months past.

Back in the vicious cycle, how do you escape this?

 

 

I am not okay.

I thought I was doing well for months, work was going well, my relationship was blooming again. But then I went for a medication review and was signed off from work again.

I am due back to work next week, I thought I was ready, but I am not okay. It has taken me a long time to say this, I have been in denial, going through days numb and not feeling everything, and thinking that I was ok and stable. My partner and I were starting to fight a lot more, we had lost our intimacy and our fun. We were distant and were walking on egg shells with each other. I didn’t know that this was happening, I didn’t know the affect that I was having on my partner and how it was breaking him.

It took today when we were out, and a switch flicked in me and I was angry, like furious, seeing red and I was saying and doing things that was hurting my family and my partner. I didn’t know who I was, what I was doing. We both went home and we continued to fight. We both went silent and both went into different rooms, I calmed down and went upstairs to talk about this and I messaged my family and sorted things out and it wasn’t until I was talking that I saw the damage that I was doing to my partner. It broke my heart because he doesn’t deserve this, in fact he deserves a million times better and more. This is when I knew I wasn’t ok, and I need more support and help. This isn’t normal behaviour and there is something mentally wrong with me.

So whilst I am in a good mood I will be making appointments tomorrow morning (Monday) and getting the ball rolling for a diagnosis. I need to get some help because I am not ok and it is acceptable to say when you are not ok.

I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok.

 

But I will be.

 

P.S the photo isn’t relevant, but it is super cute.

 

I lied…

I know that I said that I would upload a new post last night, I don’t even have an excuse for you, I binged watched stupid youtube videos and then went to sleep. I’m not even sorry.

I know that it has been a while since I last posted but I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and I just wanted to take a break from my social media, during that time I had overcome things that I have been dealing with, I am proud of myself for this.

Then work happened, and the stresses that come along with that, and arguments and further depression. Long nights and days, I wasn’t sleeping but I thought that enough is enough. I went to the doctors about this.

If you saw my instagram from yesterday but I have new medication. One is an anti-depressant that you take at night and the other is a sleeping tablet. I have to take the anti-depressant last night as that takes a few weeks to normalise my emotions and to get into my system. This tablet also slows you down and makes you drowsy, hence why I only take it at night and this will help me sleep, and the other one, I take this as of when I need it – meaning that when I am having a bad night with over thinking then I take this and it will induce my sleep.

As I only started last night I can’t tell you much about them, but I can tell you this; the doctor was fucking right when she said it causes nausea. Like I have barely eaten a thing all day because of it. At least I may shed some lbs whilst I am at it, right?

Anyway, that enough of me talking shit.

 

Peace

xox

13 reasons why

Hey!

I have bene super busy recently with helping my partner with his business and with housework and dog walking that I have neglected my blog! I know, shameful. But recently I had an anniversary and that was the hardest day I have had. It was the death of my ex-boyfriend, it has been 5 years now, but it still hurts so bad.

I have recently finished watching 13 Reasons Why, and after that ended I was sobbing. Not just like a few tears but full on where there is no sound and your head is hurting and you feel like you can’t breathe and your face is wet from all your tears. It made me fall even more in love with the show. I know that some people hate the show because they see it as “glorifying suicide” but to me it isn’t. yes some parts were extremely graphic and triggering but it shocked me, and my partner who watched it with me, it made us BOTH more aware of how our actions or words can make people feel.

The show has brought so much to light when it comes to teenagers and high school. All the little things that people do to others that they feel is just a little joke, may not be to some people. it has brought up bullying, suicide awareness and most of all realisation to the people that do treat others like this. It is serious, it needs to be stopped.

This makes me want to do more for mental health. So I will be writing more and making more things to sell so all proceedings go to charities.

 

But I need your help to do this! I need artists/illustrators!

 

We can all do this.

Together.

It’s been a long time

I know, I know.

 

It has been such a long time since I have wrote on here. I feel bad, I really do. But everything has just been so busy and time consuming recently that it has slipped my mind. I can’t believe it has either. I need to continue to write on here and make it more regular.

There is a few things that I wanted to tell you all about, but firstly, the biggest. I have gone part time at my current workplace. Doing full time was draining me both physically and mentally. I just couldn’t do it and that is when Roger turned around and said that I need to because the way I was going was not healthy. I have put on a lot of weight, lost motivation and started to take everything out on Roger. It wasn’t fair. So I done it, and it was the first week of my part time hours. It has been great. I have done things that make me happy and spend it with my friends. I feel so much better about myself.

I can’t quite explain the feeling that I have about this in all honesty, there is a new sense of freedom about it. Not because I am not in work as much but the freedom from emotions. Such as stress. I felt trapped for a long time with my emotions, like my own prison within myself and since having more time to do things for myself I have found that I have broken free from the prison and I have a new outlook on life.

I had goals and visions of how I wanted my life to look but I never saw myself achieving the steps I needed for such goal. But now, I do, I can see a happier and healthier life style for myself. I can do whatever I wish with my time now and not have to worry about the repercussions of having to go to work. I have new energy now where as before I was always in bed super early and I found myself to be exhausted all the time and only wanting to sleep. But now, I feel like I can stay up later and still get up the same time and I can be more than who I am right now.

I can also tell you that I will be making more enamel pins to produce and sell. But I need some inspiration in doing so. I ant to do collaborations with artists and help them. I want to build my business more.

I can be more,

I will be more.

MIND fundraising!

Today was a big day in the office! Me and some colleagues wanted to raise awareness for Mental Health and I was more than happy to get my hands stuck in! 

I have organised a cake sale for the fundraising and I also had a rep from the charity to come down and speak to people! 

The day weeny really well and it was very positive and definitely helped the atmosphere within the work place. I have also spoken to the rep and I will be doing even more for the charity with the upcoming weeks.

I will continue my blog and update you all as I get updates via my instagram page. 

Today has made me realise just how far I have come within months! Even though I do not have my therapy sessions come through yet (that will be soon!) I am more confident and happy within myself. I am now in a place where I have been helping people that are not in a good place and helping them come along to feel happy within themselves. 

I think the more I can help people even if it is just the one then the better! No one deserves to suffer alone or suffer at all. The more help that is out there than the better! 
We can do this, 

We WILL do this. 

PMA

With going to Berlin and having my partners best friends down, I have realised that I am ALWAYS negative.

If things did not happen when he said it would, I would panic and automatically assume the worst scenario. No matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing. I have realised this HAS to change.

It’s getting horrendous! When I am at work I will think that everyone was working against me, I would Hide away and just be a shell of the person I am. This can’t carry on, I am making myself super unwell physically. 

I need a PMA,

Positive 

Mental

Attitude
So today I have been working on that and I haven’t thought of anything negatively. It has been a very typical Saturday, seeing friends and my family. Spending time with my adorable niece. 
We can do this.

All of us.

 Together.