13 reasons why

Hey!

I have bene super busy recently with helping my partner with his business and with housework and dog walking that I have neglected my blog! I know, shameful. But recently I had an anniversary and that was the hardest day I have had. It was the death of my ex-boyfriend, it has been 5 years now, but it still hurts so bad.

I have recently finished watching 13 Reasons Why, and after that ended I was sobbing. Not just like a few tears but full on where there is no sound and your head is hurting and you feel like you can’t breathe and your face is wet from all your tears. It made me fall even more in love with the show. I know that some people hate the show because they see it as “glorifying suicide” but to me it isn’t. yes some parts were extremely graphic and triggering but it shocked me, and my partner who watched it with me, it made us BOTH more aware of how our actions or words can make people feel.

The show has brought so much to light when it comes to teenagers and high school. All the little things that people do to others that they feel is just a little joke, may not be to some people. it has brought up bullying, suicide awareness and most of all realisation to the people that do treat others like this. It is serious, it needs to be stopped.

This makes me want to do more for mental health. So I will be writing more and making more things to sell so all proceedings go to charities.

 

But I need your help to do this! I need artists/illustrators!

 

We can all do this.

Together.

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It’s been a long time

I know, I know.

 

It has been such a long time since I have wrote on here. I feel bad, I really do. But everything has just been so busy and time consuming recently that it has slipped my mind. I can’t believe it has either. I need to continue to write on here and make it more regular.

There is a few things that I wanted to tell you all about, but firstly, the biggest. I have gone part time at my current workplace. Doing full time was draining me both physically and mentally. I just couldn’t do it and that is when Roger turned around and said that I need to because the way I was going was not healthy. I have put on a lot of weight, lost motivation and started to take everything out on Roger. It wasn’t fair. So I done it, and it was the first week of my part time hours. It has been great. I have done things that make me happy and spend it with my friends. I feel so much better about myself.

I can’t quite explain the feeling that I have about this in all honesty, there is a new sense of freedom about it. Not because I am not in work as much but the freedom from emotions. Such as stress. I felt trapped for a long time with my emotions, like my own prison within myself and since having more time to do things for myself I have found that I have broken free from the prison and I have a new outlook on life.

I had goals and visions of how I wanted my life to look but I never saw myself achieving the steps I needed for such goal. But now, I do, I can see a happier and healthier life style for myself. I can do whatever I wish with my time now and not have to worry about the repercussions of having to go to work. I have new energy now where as before I was always in bed super early and I found myself to be exhausted all the time and only wanting to sleep. But now, I feel like I can stay up later and still get up the same time and I can be more than who I am right now.

I can also tell you that I will be making more enamel pins to produce and sell. But I need some inspiration in doing so. I ant to do collaborations with artists and help them. I want to build my business more.

I can be more,

I will be more.

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MIND fundraising! 

Today was a big day in the office! Me and some colleagues wanted to raise awareness for Mental Health and I was more than happy to get my hands stuck in! 

I have organised a cake sale for the fundraising and I also had a rep from the charity to come down and speak to people! 

The day weeny really well and it was very positive and definitely helped the atmosphere within the work place. I have also spoken to the rep and I will be doing even more for the charity with the upcoming weeks.

I will continue my blog and update you all as I get updates via my instagram page. 

Today has made me realise just how far I have come within months! Even though I do not have my therapy sessions come through yet (that will be soon!) I am more confident and happy within myself. I am now in a place where I have been helping people that are not in a good place and helping them come along to feel happy within themselves. 

I think the more I can help people even if it is just the one then the better! No one deserves to suffer alone or suffer at all. The more help that is out there than the better! 
We can do this, 

We WILL do this. 

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PMA

With going to Berlin and having my partners best friends down, I have realised that I am ALWAYS negative.

If things did not happen when he said it would, I would panic and automatically assume the worst scenario. No matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing. I have realised this HAS to change.

It’s getting horrendous! When I am at work I will think that everyone was working against me, I would Hide away and just be a shell of the person I am. This can’t carry on, I am making myself super unwell physically. 

I need a PMA,

Positive 

Mental

Attitude
So today I have been working on that and I haven’t thought of anything negatively. It has been a very typical Saturday, seeing friends and my family. Spending time with my adorable niece. 
We can do this.

All of us.

 Together.

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The past week

This past week as been a rollercoaster. Between work and my personal life I feel like I haven’t been able to catch a break.

Work was difficult because there is 3 people there that I consider as my ‘safety net’ they all know me,my triggers and understand what I am going through. All three were off for the majority of the week. I tried my hardest and didn’t have an episode all week until Thursday, that day came and I was exhausted, grouchy and fed up. My anxiety and depression was at an all time high and I just couldn’t do it. I had to speak to an unknown manager at work and breifly explain what was happening so I had someone there for me. After that, it got better, I took action into my own hands and despite being turned down for a job opportunity I was still in high spirits. 

But when it came to my personal time, it was just one thing after another. Arguments with family and loved ones. As well as a group that I am a member of on Facebook (I will not mention their name) but it was a small closed group for women and we all knew each other and supported each other. For the duration of my sick leave they were there when my partner was at work and they were a big part of my recovery. 

I had to leave that group this week, it got too big and I didn’t feel safe or supported anymore. I then found out that someone that both me and my partner are trying to distance ourselves from for personal reasons was on there reading everything I posted. So that was another reason I had to leave. The one thing that triggered my departure was when I posted a picture of my enamel pins that I am selling to fundraise for my local mental health charity, and instead of constructive feedbac, I was targeted and people kept messaging me on Facebook and it got futile. I blocked and deleted them as well as removing myself from the group.

After that I felt isolated, I felt like I couldn’t speak to anybody any longer and I no longer had that supportive group there. I know that I can talk to my partner and a few close friends but yet, I still felt alone. I was in a black depressive hole that sucks you Ina me near on impossible to get out.

My partner recognised this and planned a very busy weekend for us (which is why I was unable to post anything). I’m glad he done that hut now that it is monday, I am exhausted. Can barely keep my eyes open and my safety net at work is not here again. I can’t blame them and I can’t keep relying on them but if I don’t, I can’t help but feel isolated and alone.

I feel like I am getting no where with everything positive move I am trying to make.
I can do this.

I got this. 

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First Week Back

This week was my first week back, I was super nervous about it and I can honestly tell you that the Sunday before my first day back, I was an emotional mess. On the sofa watching back to back episodes of Greys Anatomy. I didn’t know how I would be back at work despite being on a phased return. I remember not sleeping much the night before.

Going back to work took a lot, in the car on the way there, I was again, a mess. But my good friend who I car share with was supportive and comforting. I knew that I could talk to her if I started to get too flustered throughout the day. My manager was more than welcoming and accepting as well as supportive.

I powered through all week, I had more highs than I did lows, I have been able to come home and not be anxious or grumpy. I have come home and been productive and happy. I know that I love my job but I will not be able to carry on there for much longer. Me and my manager decided that I should start applying for other roles within the company, so I did that Monday afternoon. By Friday I had given up on hearing about that job but then bang on 5pm (home time) I received an email inviting me to an interview for said role. It is much less demanding and stressful. So now I have until Thursday to prepare myself for it.

I have also been in contact with a local Mental Health Charity to come into work for a few hours to help advertise Mental Health and the services that the company and the charity have. So I spoke to the right people at work so they can help me set this up too, and the ball is now rolling! I have had a delivery from the charity with leaflets and posters, so now I just have to await my enamel pins to get delivered before I can put a specific date on the day that this will take place. But so far it is looking positive!

If anyone would like to speak about this or get more involved then please feel free to message me directly on any of my social media accounts!

I can do this.,

I got this.

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Mental Health Awareness,

This week is the last week that I have before heading back to work next week. It has been playing on my mind a lot since knowing that it was my last week (I discovered on Monday). These past 4 weeks have flown by, where the hell have they gone?! I feel like I have done nothing at all, which is not true, I have done so so much. Especially last week, where I have been working super hard on my designs and drawings.

As I have posted about my enamel pins and waiting for them to be produced I have decided that I will sell them on my instagram and set up a small table at work, in the lobby. Supporting mental health and try to get involved with some small local charities to fundraise for them. I will be making no profit from these at all, as all the proceedings will go towards the charity of my choosing.

Mental Health is a real thing. It is an illness and the more people come to terms with that then the better. So I would like to start making it more known, I will happily stand up and talk about my own issues and talk about things like suicide, as someone who thinks about it and someone who has lost loved ones from mental illness too. Everyone around them are loosing loved ones because too many people believe that if they speak out then they will be considered ‘weak’ or they feel this might open them up to bullying. I will not stand that. Since starting my online blog I have had negative messages, instead os replying and rising to them, I have simply removed them and blocked them.

I know I was meant to post yesterday, but my emotions were everywhere and my mood plummeted. As I sit here and write this to you, I am tearing up. It is devastating that this happens. So I will now be collaborating with various charities and fundraising for them.

Please feel free to message me if you would also like to get more involved, or do some collaborations in regards to merchandise to support local charities.

WE can do this, WE got this.

Side note – this is the enamel pin I will be selling. Please keep in mind that this is yet to be edited and the writing made more central. This since has been photoshopped from my scribbles from my drawing pad.

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